This is new. Even in the middle of the nearly 11 year gap between my first two kids, I never had in my mind that I wouldn’t have any more children. I love being a mother, but it’s bitter sweet. It’s slightly relieving.
My youngest is now 4 months old, mashaAllah (by Allah’s will), and such a dream. Of course there are sleep struggles and unclipped nails that scratch at me while nursing, but I keep thinking, “I need more babies in my life!” I love babies. Love, love, love them. They are so innocent and easy to entertain. Their big eyes are filled with wonder and delight. I honestly can’t wait to be a grandmother, and joke with Kira, my oldest, all the time, “When are you going to give me grandbabies!” (She’s 15. Neither of us are really in a rush)
On the other hand, I’m relieved to be moving past the baby stage. As I pack away the newborn clothes, I think of the newborn nursing struggles I won’t have any longer, the gross umbilical cords to care for, and in a few months she will in sha Allah (God willing) be eating solids and I can leave her home with my husband for short periods of time. Heck, I might even get more than two posts out a month on the blog again!
I look forward to the coming years where my young set of kids will starting homeschooling, and nap time will no longer cut in the middle of each and every day. I look forward to not having to think about whether my outfit has easy access to my breasts without flashing everyone in the process. I look forward to all my kids walking on their own and strangers no longer needing to comment, “You have your hands full!” as a tote a car seat, toddler holding one hand, and preschooler hanging on to said car seat.
To be completely honest, these young years are hard for me. I have a hard time with hunger that presents itself suddenly and sometimes ferociously. I have a hard time managing big emotions from small people who refuse to sleep it off. If you’ve been around the blog long enough, you know that sometimes I just have a hard time as a mom. I’m not going to hide it, and when you say you have a hard time, too. I won’t hesitate to let you know I’ve been there, and I don’t judge you for not loving every moment of motherhood.
Of course, I’m going to miss the snuggles with a tiny human with baby soft skin, who looks at me like I’m a super hero. I know I’m going to miss being the kids’ favorite person, even though half the time that means I’m nominated for wiping every butt, booger, and drool. There is so much I’m going to miss, that it’s hard to say, “We’re done. For good.” Even with the pains of labor and birth, there’s something about it I will miss, too.
It is bitter sweet, but I’m excited for the road ahead, and the freedom that comes with leaving the baby years, in sha Allah.